Jewish Wedding Customs
Here is a description of some of the wedding customs you will see in action at our wedding, along with sound files of a few of the songs you'll hear. You can listen to the songs ahead of time and be ready to sing along at the wedding! (What would a teacher's wedding be without a homework assignment?)
Act 1: Preparations
We will prepare ourselves mentally and spiritually for the day through two rituals. First, we will (separately) take a dip in a mikveh or ritual bath. We will also be fasting on the day of the wedding. Both of these emphasize the solemnity of the day and the purity of heart with which we enter into our new obligations.
When guests arrive for the wedding, Marisa will be in the synagogue's entry hall, greeting guests. Russ will be downstairs with some of his close friends. To begin the festivities, Russ' friends and family will dance him upstairs to Marisa, symbolizing the joyous joining of our two families.
At this point witnesses will sign our shtar shutafut, or document of partnership. Instead of the traditional ketubah (a prenuptial agreement that stipulates the groom's obligations to the bride), we have decided to write our own document that describes our obligations to each other and our expectations for our partnership. Our shtar is based on the model of Rachel Adler's Brit Ahuvim, which you will hear more about later.
After that, our parents will bless us, offering their own words and also using a traditional blessing.
As a final prelude to the ceremony, we will clothe each other in the garments of a bride and groom, to set each other apart and symbolize our desire to protect and shield each other throughout life. Russ will place the veil over Marisa's face, calling to mind two Biblical stories of our ancestors-Rebecca, who covered herself when she first saw her future husband Isaac, and Jacob, who was tricked into marrying Leah instead of her sister Rachel because he didn't check under the veil first!
Act 2: The Ceremony
The traditional Jewish wedding is based around the legal formulation of kinyan (acquisition). Enacting kinyan means that the groom acquires rights over the bride. We wanted to have a wedding ceremony that reflects our egalitarian relationship, so we chose to use the model of Rachel Adler's Brit Ahuvim, (Lover's Covenant), which is based on Talmudic formulas to used enact partnerships. Thus, our ceremony is a fusion of our ancestors' traditions and new approaches.
The Processional
We invite everyone to join in on this traditional wedding niggun (wordless melody) as we process down the aisle!
Act Three: The Party
Guests at a Jewish wedding are obligated to rejoice with the bride and groom. So enjoy! There will be a cocktail hour, followed by dinner and dancing.
The Shtick
Not only are guests obligated to rejoice with the bride and groom, they're also obligated to entertain and make the couple happy. Over the years, this tradition has been taken quite literally and evolved into "shtick." Hundreds of years ago, this may have involved hiring a jester, but we know we don't need to hire out. Ridiculous dances, singing to us, and general merry-making are highly encouraged.
The Dancing
Jewish-style dancing to klezmer music will begin the celebration. There are no required steps; it's basically a free-for-all. People will often join hands and dance around in a circle together.
Here are some of the songs you might hear during the Jewish dancing portion of the evening:
These are alternative melodies for "Asher Bara" and "Od Yishama"-- the words appear above.
Then, a member of our band will DJ for the rest of the evening.
The Meal
The dinner has the status of a seudat mitzvah, a meal we are commanded to eat as part of the wedding celebration. We will begin with hamotzi, the blessing thanking God for food, and will end the meal with birkat hamazon, the grace after meals. The words to birkat hamazon can be found in the little books near your seats, which you are welcome to take home at the end of the night. After birkat hamazon, the sheva berachot (seven blessings) that we already heard during the ceremony will be recited again, also by friends and family members.
Thanks so much for coming to our wedding! The presence of our families and friends is what makes this occasion meaningful to us.
Under The Chuppah
The Chuppah
The wedding canopy, or chuppah, symbolizes the home that we will build together as a couple, supported by our families and friends. It is open on all four sides to emphasize the Jewish value of hospitality and welcoming the stranger. We are grateful to Marisa's mom for creating a beautiful and meaningful cloth for our chuppah.
Our rabbis will welcome us to the chuppah.
First, the blessing over a cup of wine, the symbol of joy and sanctification, will be recited. Then, we will legally form a partnership, using the model of the Brit Ahuvim. We will put our rings, which we have purchased jointly, into a bag and lift them together. This symbolizes the joining of our physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual resources. At this point, our marriage will be official!
Then we will recite words to each other symbolic of our marriage, and don our rings.
I will espouse you forever:
I will espouse you with righteousness and justice, and with lovingkindness and mercy.
And I will espouse you with faithfulness, and you will know God.
--Hosea 2:21-22
In between the first and second parts of the ceremony, one of our officiants will read our shtar shutafut (partnership document) aloud.
Nisuin
Nisuin is the second section of a Jewish wedding ceremony. It consists of seven blessings (sheva berachot) recited under the chuppah over a cup of wine. The blessings connect us to creation, humanity, and tradition, and express our hope for a day when all people will be able to experience joy and peace. We are excited to have members of our family and friends reciting these blessings.
Here are the sheva berachot:
1. Blessed are You, Eternal our God, Sovereign of the universe, Creator of the fruit of the vine.
2. Blessed are You, Eternal our God, Sovereign of the universe, who created everything for Your glory.
3. Blessed are You, Eternal our God, Sovereign of the universe, who formed the first human.
4. Blessed are You, Eternal our God, Sovereign of the universe, who created humanity in Your image, patterned after Your image and likeness, and enabled them to perpetuate this image. Blessed are You, Eternal, who created humanity.
5. Bring joy and exultation to the barren one [Israel] as her children are joyfully gathered to her. Blessed are You, Eternal, who makes Zion glad with her children.
6. Grant great joy to these loving companions, as You once gladdened your creations in the Garden of Eden. Blessed are you, Eternal, who gladdens the groom and bride.
7. Blessed are You, Eternal our God, Sovereign of the universe, who created joy and gladness, groom and bride, mirth, glad song, pleasure and delight, love and harmony, peace and companionship. May it be your will Eternal our God that there will soon be heard in the cities of Judah and streets of Jerusalem the voice of joy, the voice of gladness, the voice of groom, and the voice of bride, the sound of grooms rejoicing under the wedding canopy and of youths feasting and singing. Blessed are You, Eternal, who gladdens the groom with the bride.
These melodies may be sung during the recitation of the seven blessings:
Asher bara sasson v'simcha chatan v'kalah (2 times) The one who created joy and gladness, groom and bride
Gila, rina, ditza, v'chedvah, Mirth, song, pleasure, and delight,
Ahava, v'achava, v'shalom v' reut. Love and harmony, peace and companionship.
Od yishama b'arei yehudah May there soon be heard in the cities of Judah
Uv'chutzot yerushalayim, And in the streets of Jerusalem,
Kol sasson, v'kol simcha, The voice of joy and the voice of gladness,
Kol chatan, v'kol kalah. The voice of the groom and the voice of the bride.
Breaking of the Glass
Russ will break a glass at the end of the wedding. There are many reasons cited for this tradition, there are several that appeal to us. While we are experiencing a joyous event, we recognize that the world is a fragile and broken place. Breaking the glass reminds us of our obligation to repair and heal the world and the place that obligation has at the core of our relationship. Another meaningful idea is that the irrevocability of breaking the glass reflects the permanence of our marriage-may it be as hard to break apart as the glass would be to put back together! Finally, we recognize that the institution of marriage needs mending, and we hope for and work towards the day when all people, regardless of sexual orientation, will be able to have their marriages recognized by religious and secular authorities.
Yichud
We will disappear for about 15 minutes just after the ceremony to have some private time together as a married couple. In earlier generations, this was the first time that the bride and groom could be alone together. Two friends will stand guard while we reflect on the beginning of our new life together.
